OHFREAKINGDANG

Oh freaking dang. Sometimes I think I'm getting the hang of all of this, being an adult, being responsible. Then, in other moments, all I wish to do is to hide inside a black hole where I might just regain the feeling of being a child, being looked after. I miss that. As much as I like the things I get to do as an adult, there are so many less restrictions, I miss the fact that I am no longer looked after entirely by someone else, it's all on me.

Random Blather

There are days that I am so glad that nothing I say on this blog matters to anyone. Then again, nobody really knows that when I'm really freaked, I go here, and say crap everything that is on my mind. SO.

Now the drama.
The real stuff.

I am so mad. Skylar, my newest sweetie, is cute and all, but probably never gonna want to see me again in his life, so I am just not pushing anymore. I mean really really not pushing. I have issues with pushing.

He is a really nice kisser though. Just for the record ;)

Jonathan may or may not still have a girlfriend. And he wants a "welcome back" kiss. He wants a kiss for everything. Like seriously, everything. I think he really does want a make out buddy, and I just can't figure out why.

So Jonathan wants to make out, Skylar and I made out the other day, I'm getting way too much kissing and not enough love. I mean real stuff. I want Aaron back, the way things used to be, when I'd be really annoying and apologize all the time til he really got annoyed. I mean it was cute :) and I miss him. I just wish he and I didn't have to back off all the time, and now we backed off so much that I doubt he's going to write me back.

Aaron, Skylar, Matt, Jonathan, Yovahn. Way too many people who want my attention, way too little emotional boundaries, way too many stretch marks on my limits.

Therapy

See, I have decided something. Blogging is kind of theraputic. Nobody has to "approve" of what you say by "liking" it like with Facebook. I am able to just say whatever crap I want to say.

Right now, I'm so HAPPY for friends like Ali that understand EVERYTHING.

She and I had this long conversation that just made everythinggggg better. I want to keep up with the everything be better out look. Not everything is better, I'm still really lonely. I hate being alone, and I feel alone in tons of things. I love hugs, and sometimes I need everyone to hug me.

Kay, now I'm half regretting the Facebook thing. Since I did the "deactivate" later in the day, nobody really saw my status about what I was doing. Maybe a bad decision on my part lol. Debatedebatedebate. I'm going to cry when it doesn't last more than three days that I leave my Facebook alone.

I mean...Facebook is kind of silly. But it's also kind of fun. Sometimes. I miss it already, and I'm still trying to figure out why. All I did when I was Facebooking was just sitting around stalking people. Silly stuffs.

I miiss Eric like a butt ton! It's really sad. Every time I think about him BAM I miss him. I wish I could pull some more all nighters with him. funnnnnnest ever. Silliest, for sure, but funnest :D

He just told me that I have to reactivate my Facebook so he can continue to cyberstalk me. Awww!

Yeah, I'm lame. Not gonna lie. I activated my Facebook already. I'm so lame.

Shut up brain

It's one of those moments. The terrible, awful moments that you do something that you know isn't going to get you anywhere but you want a reaction, you want something to just happen, so you do it anyway. After you've done it, something happens, or something doesn't, and the entire thing kind of feels like a flop. That's me tonight!

Twice.

This has happened with two different guys.

WHY GUYS

why brain?

I'm hating my brain right now. Especially especiallyyyyyyy because...well....my period sucks balls. I'm always doing stupid crap like I can't control myself. Oh. My. Gosh. Why did I do it in the first place? It was stupid. I know. But hey, hormones are running and everything happens even if it's stupider than anything in the world!

I hate being so idiotic sometimes.

Okay, now for the stupid that I did.

BUGGING GUYS AND NOT JUST HAVING AN OUNCE OF PATIENCE

I am not patient. I know this. But I need to sit back and wait and hope (HOPE) that somehow I will be able to magically hear from them, and get something to happen.

This is me. Writing to me. Saying. ME. Go ahead and SHUT UP. Brain. Shut up. Now. Pleasee. Stop being an idiot. Stop talking to them. Just wait. Pray. Hope. They will come to you. Eventually. :) you'll see.

Thank you brain. Stay. Shut. Up.

Thank you all readers who agree with me (hahahaha what a joke as if I have readers) :)

So Much Changes

Last year, would I have known that I would be right here right now? No I wouldn't have! So much has changed, and so much has stayed the same.

Same
I'm still depressive
I'm still lying to my parents about my finances and my grades
I'm still boycrazy
I'm still immature

Different
Matt
Aaron
Matt
(Yes, they are different Matt's too)
WHAT IS IT WITH THAT NAME ANYHOW????

Anyhow.

Boys are a constant of messiness and confusion, and yuck and yum at the same time.

Jeff and Dell are still insisting on how I need a "real man" and how "womanly" I have become

I think they are nuts. I'm still working on growing up, and wanting to grow up, let alone being a "womanly woman"

I hate how people look at me sometimes, when I don't even know how to look at myself.

I'm really happy
and sad
about
stupid things
aka
BOYS
:)

I'm happy even though I'm overthinking Matt. He's so cute. And appears to like me. Whuttt?

That shouldn't surprise me so much, but it does. I should just be happy and stop worrying about it. :)

I need to figure out my lack of attendance at class
My lateness to class
My issues in general
Ughhh I keep looking at it all a little fast a little bit of everything all at once

CRAZY :)

HATE

I hate the entire thing with Matt. I don’t have a freaking clue what to do, besides wait. I hate waiting. It’s so so so so so annoying, because I see him there, on Facebook, we do this stupid poke war thing, and it’s like he doesn’t want to have anything to do with me. I woke up this morning at 7 30 (I was so proud of myself for being up) and after that, I kept falling asleep and waking up until I finally got up and was frustrated at myself for what I was dreaming about. I honest to goodness dreamed that I was on Facebook and Matt had liked a status or something. I was being all proud of myself for waiting so patiently, I was being happy that he had decided to stop ignoring me….and then I woke up.

It was like when me and David were mad at each other the first time, and I sat around and dreamed that he was hugging me, that he was kissing me, and everything was okay…and then I woke up and cried because it was only a dream. I was so upset because I kept thinking how much I missed him. Now if I dream about David, I cry because I wish we were back to being happy, kind to each other, and I hate that we ended, that everything we had ended. Then I think about Matt and wonder why I keep trying with him, but at the same time I keep thinking he’s worth it and then I get frustrated with him, at myself, everything. I hate hate hate hate hate this mess. Life is so freaking crazy.

I hate these headaches, like the one I’ve got right now that I can feel in just a part of my head and I wish I was asleep and not existing in this mess L I hate life sometimes, and then I worry that I’m being too depressed, because I just hate being depressed but then I think how many times I’ve said the word “hate” today. I hate hate hate life. L I’m such a freaky depressed person and I can’t handle life or anything else, so being here just gets more and more frustrating. I want it all to go away, I want to not have to worry about life anymore, I want everything to go away. I don’t know how to handle life if life means all this pain and confusion.

Everything equals confused right now. I just don’t know. Then I hate myself for being so depressed, and I hate myself for being so lost. I don’t know how to make it through life. I need psychological help, I need to go to a psychologist like Ali says I should, but all I keep thinking is SCARED TO DEATH. I don’t know how to make sense of myself the way I am, but I don’t know how to ask for help without getting scared. I don’t even know why I’m scared. I think maybe I want to be scared and messed up so I can always have someone trying to help me be better. I want to help everyone else, but I’m scared to grow and have everyone leave me alone. This is me hating me again today.

You know, it’s funny, people admire how much I trust people. If only they knew that I don’t trust anyone at all. I don’t trust people to not leave me, so I don’t trust them to help me either. I only trust that people will try to help me as long as I need help, and they will only be around as long as people know I need help. That makes me such a freaky terrible person L

Ali did you read all of that or are you doing your homework like you really need to? <3

You know, sometimes I sit around and imagine what it might be like to talk to a counselor about all the stuff I’m going through. I can’t imagine anything I say being said with acceptance, or even understanding. I keep seeing this interview in my head, and I keep thinking that I’m just a messed up person. I don’t know how to handle an interview with a counselor because I don’t think I can go in and have an interview and not feel insignificant, and messed up beyond help. I don’t love myself enough and I recognize that. I don’t like that. I just always have this feeling of curling up into a ball and crying all the way through my life because I don’t know how to do anything else with my life. I complain that people like Lehi have no motivation, and yet here I am and I have not enough motivation to actually make myself better. There is a reason behind it, but I don’t know how to do it.

This is me being happy!

Wow. A lot, wow. Okay so this is me back to making lists!

Testimony meeting awesomeness
Ali and Hannah
Friends in general
Relief society?
Leah!
Scripture study
Good habits
People saying thank you
Smiles!

Okie dokie, starting with Testimony Meeting. I sat there, had a reeeeally strong feeling that I haddd to get up there and start talking, and wow. I was amazed. Only one person had gone up so far, and all of a sudden, when I get up, three other people got up at the same time. Crazy!!! I went up there, talked about Brian saying I was strong, and how my trials make me strong because I can handle them. I admire Brian for the way he handles his trials, I call him strong for how he talks about his trials, and today, I was really thinking about how he thinks I'm strong for the way I handle my trials. So I really got to thinking about it, and in this day and age, we are the chosen generation. We are strong. Each of us are different in being strong, but the fact that we are here means that we are STRONG.

Next thing I thought of was Beth and her testimony through small and simple things. She and I were talking in the middle of the day in the middle of the week, on an ordinary day, and she simply said "I know the Gospel is true, and so I know that Jesus will help me, and he will help you too. Just trust him". That is total paraphrasing, because I really can't remember if that was exactly it. But it was the right thing for me right then. It's all about how little things make the biggest difference, because her simple testimony in the middle of everything else drama wise going on, meant the world of difference to me.

Then I thought of Ali. I seriously love Ali for what she told me, because it was so freaking honest. I loved that. Anyhow, with that, she basically said that she is having trouble with feeling the Spirit, and I had to say I've been there a lot. A lot a lot. But the Spirit always finds a way to get to your heart, and sometimes the venue is other people. Ali was that other person more than once for me, and that really means a lot to me.

That all ties back to my New Testament class, where Brother Thurgood said that when we feel prompted to share our testimony, because you never know who could be listening who needs to hear something you have to say. I seriously am in love with that, because it means so much to me that people could hear something I have to say, and I could be the person to say something everyone needed to hear....

Kayy next thing (kind of out of order but it's kayy). People kept telling me thank you for your testimony. Seriously? You made my day. Most. :D

Umumum.

I talk about Leah now!! So one of the testimonies shared today was about standing up for your beliefs in the hardest of times. This girl talked about how her coworkers (I think it was coworkers) would swear, drink, and talk about inappropriate subjects. When they would start up these conversations, she would simply leave. Leah has been having some trouble because of a similar situation, so after I heard this testimony, I shared it with her. In this girl's testimony, she talked about being a peculiar people, and how that was a good thing, to be known as a peculiar people, because we are. We can be and will be eventually respected for our beliefs if we do not allow them to be shaken. It's kind of interesting, but this brings to mind Helaman 5 12, which reads, "And now my sons, remember, remember that it is upon the rock of our Redeemer, who is Christ, the Son of God, that ye must build your foundation, that when the devil shall send forth his mighty winds, yea his shafts in the whirlwind, yea when all his hail and his mighty storm shall beat upon you, it shall have no power over you to drag you down to the gulf of misery and endless wo, because of the rock upon which ye are built, which is a sure foundation, a foundation whereon if men build they cannot fall." It's interesting, because this was also a scripture that me and my roommates sat around and talked about before church this morning.

So um um kay next on my list-my prompting about relief society! I would like to preface this with the statement that this may not be something that ends up coming to happen, but it is something that I know is a prompting from God. It's like....I know that something is going to happen, but I could have interpreted the feeling I got in the wrong way. Still, if things work out the way I think they will, this will be really an interesting situation.

Kayy so all through Relief Society today I kept feeling that I should talk to Emma because I felt like she was going to need me in this Relief Society as a part of the presidency. She already has one councilor, so I don't know if I'm going to end up as the other councilor, or what, but I am kind of really excited, no matter what happens.

That's really it I guess. Oh! Except I'm really happy me and my roommates are getting into the habit of reading scriptures together on Sunday and having prayer as an apartment family thing. I'm really really excited about that. I don't know, I'm in a way good mood :D

Lots of love
Lisa <3