A Frustrated Post

Wow, I stink at titles for blogs. So today, I'm going to say a lot of random things, that nobody will probably read, so I really don't care! :) Anyhow, hi. Jeez. I'm going to start out this blog post by saying OH MY GOSH I HAVE NO CLUE WHEN IT COMES TO BOYS. Boys are the MOST confusing thing in the universe. You know what? Instead of that, I'm switching tactics to organize my thoughts. First, a list of everything on my mind, then an explanation for each item on my list. Here goes!

Matt
Jonathan
Players in general
Me stressing out


Okie dokie, now to start. Really this time. Jonathan. You, mister, confuse me to no end. I kind of hate you right now. I was so ready to give you a chance, to think about you as someone special. But somehow, I went from that to feeling like wow, he's a player, I'm wasting my time. I'm so tired of this mess. Have you ever been there? Dude. I am tired, and I mean extremely tired, of players. I'm done, players are a no-no. I'm not someone who is going to cure them of their player-ness, and I'm not someone who is worth being toyed around with. I don't like being pulled on strings like a puppet, I don't like all of that in general. So BACK OFF. Kay thanks. Jonathan...being sweet...is nice. I hate that. Weird, or what? I just can't stand him being nice and everything and then all of a sudden being a flirt with every other girl. If I'm special, I'm special, and that's all there is to it. If I'm not, don't toy with me. Don't invite yourself over to my apartment every other day, I know I'm fun, but don't seem interested in me if you really aren't. The other option scares me just as much. He's looking for a wife. He's 24 and he wants to get married. I'm not volunteering! Getting married? I'm not ready for that. I'm still thinking about going on a mission. Just me. Got it?

If anyone reads that entire paragraph, go ahead and stop right here with this blog post, because it's a lotttt of random musings complaints issues that I'm having right this moment. Next blog post is going to (possibly) contain more detail, and will be on much happier subjects than this one. :)

Matt. Now there is my real quandry. I like him. A LOT. But he's a premie, a pre-missionary kid. I think he's wonderful, hot, and really hilarious. I wish I could feel right that he likes me. I don't get that feeling, the comfortable feeling of "yes, this is a sure thing, he likes me." It's like a Joel thing, where I feel like this entire thing is going to turn into another older brother presence in my life. I don't want that, I want a guy. I want to be over the mess with David, and I want a guy like Matt, who is so great about listening to issues, and so wonderful about being downright hilarious. He's the kind of guy who takes you out for ice cream just because, he's the kind of guy who makes anything a joke, except for the serious things that can't be funny, he's the kind of person who calls you to make sure you made it to the airport, and leaves funny voicemails even though the voicemail won't get to you until you are actually awake. He's dreamy, silly, and so wonderfully worth the trouble to go after him. I TOLD him I like him. Now I feel like I'm waiting on him to actually care. I think he's in a similar position as I am, being broken up over a previous relationship. Me, I'm scarred by David. I'm sure he'd be happy to know it. Matt seems kind of scarred by different cheating girlfriends. He doesn't deserve that. I miss him, a lot, even though our entire...friendship has mostly been through Facebook. He's really worth so much more than being cheated on. Yeah, anyhow, that's all I'm going to say about Matt right now. Next on my list is players, and I think I said something about that when I was talking about Jonathan, so now, I'm going to change my next BLEH to David.

David, David, David. How much I am frustrated at thee David. I loved this guy, more than anyone else in the world, at one point in my life. How the heck does it all go to such extremes? I loved him, now I can't understand a thing about him. I accepted him, and he lied to me. I don't think I posted the entire story about this, so I'm going to say everything about it now.

He told me that he was being deployed, to an undecided location. Classified, actually. Either way, he couldn't tell me. He said he was leaving December 18th, the day before I would be back in the area for Christmas break. I said I would miss him, a lot. Thanksgiving break, he started pushing me away, and I felt terrible. I made a huge deal about how much I loved him, and how I didn't know how to handle being just friends. We had been everything to each other, and now we were just friends, and I didn't know how to handle it. I am still not sure how everything was so extreme that week. In one of our conversations, at 1 in the morning, somehow we ended up with this hypothetical question-what if we got married? What if that was what I wanted? What if it was what he wanted? What if, what if, what if? He (at that point) had told me that he was being deployed the week after Thanksgiving break. I was very upset, of course, because I wouldn't be able to talk to him. In the hypothetical world of us getting married, however, that kind of thing was a little less of an issue, because we would be together. I didn't feel like getting married was the right option, because my Dad doesn't like David, and I didn't feel mature enough to get married. The week after Thanksgiving break, I made a huge deal about how much I didn't know what to say or think about the entire hypothetical question situation thing. I was really worried. David kept pushing me away. But at the same time, he made a huge deal about talking to me every day that week. It was a big deal, because in the two months previous to this, I had only talked to David on the weekends, because he was always busy working. I felt special but sad at the same time, with the way that things were going. There was a lot going on with school when this all happened, and I felt so terrible. David ended up "leaving" and calling me the next day "from a phone that everyone was waiting in line to use, for fifteen minute calls to special people". He claimed it was six in the morning there, and it was 9 or so at night where I was at. He told me basically that I needed to get over him. I cried, a lot. Hannah was there for me, and I was really happy to have her there, because I really needed her.

So, I cried, and Jonathan ended up walking by (this was all at Latin dancing night) and saw me crying. I told him I was fine, then I ended up seeing him earlier, he guessed I was crying over a guy, and said that I was beautiful, that I have a beautiful body, and that I have a beautiful smile (he really likes the word beautiful haha) and so I should look for someone better who will treat me better. Guess who started hitting on me right after that? You guessed it-Jonathan. Anyhow, I was all sad because David was leaving. Here is where things get really really complicated.

That weekend, I was by turns happy and depressed, happy because of random awesome things that were going on, and depressed because David was gone, and I didn't know how to handle it. The Tuesday after he called me and told me to get over him because "he could be dead within the next 24 hours" I was on Facebook, and I looked his name up, so I could see his page, and remember him happily. The name didn't show up, at all. I proceeded to log out of my Facebook, and I logged into his, to see if it was no longer active, because he was gone. Okay so log in....and it denies me access. I try the password I knew a couple times, then tried it again, then tried it with a character removed....then I got in. Kayy the password has been changed. Why? I don't know. Oh wait look maybe that's why! David is now in a relationship with Kelsay! He is also not deployed. He is posting crap on Facebook still! Wow, why didn't I realize that the boy I had loved before was a total jerk?? and a player?? Oh it gets better. I was blocked, on Facebook. You know, the thing you do to the people you hate? Me. Christmas break rolls around, and David calls me "again from a telephone box that everyone has to use". Yeah, I believe that crap. He denied that the entire relationship with Kelsay had happened, denied that he hadn't been deployed, denied that he had changed his password, denied that he blocked me, denied that he was a jerk in general. However, he DID apologize for everything else. The relationship with the skank, the two weeks we didn't talk, the last three months where he had only talked to me on the weekends, and the last phone call he had given me, where he had totally been a class A jerk. He wanted to ask me for forgiveness, he wanted to be friends. Translation? He was sorry for everything he had done when he had claimed he was deployed, he was sorry for going around my back, he was sorry that I found out. Things didn't work out between him and Kelsay and so he wanted me as a reserve girlfriend. Yes, thanks, no. He "came back" from being "deployed" and added me on Facebook again, and also messaged me. I am kind of a mess, over everything when it comes to David. What the heck.

Anyhow, that's the whole story, up to now. I don't blame myself for the fact that David has issues. I do feel bad for him. I don't love him. Now, I am supremely lonely and I kind of have David to blame, and all kinds of memories to replace. Yeah, a big fat mess. Me! Bleh. I love my life.

Anyhow, next on my list....me stressing out! I am seriously stressed, because my entire college experience last semester ended with me being reeeeeeeeeeally awfully bad grades. Yeah. Umm? It was not good. My dad lost his job, I have almost no money, and I am looking for work right now. I'm not doing the greatest, but not the worst either. It could all be a lot worse. Yeah. I guess. I'm just going to keep thinking that. It's been a mess, but I'm praying I get that job that I applied for.

I am totally needing to pray better. I'm working on praying as an apartment, and as myself. I hope it all works out! I am kind of worried about that. I don't know, lol.

I am worried about Ali and her issues, and Hannah and her issues, and well....me and my issues. That's me right now, a big mess of WORRY. Anyhow, yeah, me.....Love me.

I am still handling self esteem issues (which I try to hide, but lately I feel more and more like I should be fixing them.)

Right now, I am a mess in general, but I have faith I will get better. If you read this post, think my life is crap, wait til the next post! It will be much happier, I promise.