HATE

I hate the entire thing with Matt. I don’t have a freaking clue what to do, besides wait. I hate waiting. It’s so so so so so annoying, because I see him there, on Facebook, we do this stupid poke war thing, and it’s like he doesn’t want to have anything to do with me. I woke up this morning at 7 30 (I was so proud of myself for being up) and after that, I kept falling asleep and waking up until I finally got up and was frustrated at myself for what I was dreaming about. I honest to goodness dreamed that I was on Facebook and Matt had liked a status or something. I was being all proud of myself for waiting so patiently, I was being happy that he had decided to stop ignoring me….and then I woke up.

It was like when me and David were mad at each other the first time, and I sat around and dreamed that he was hugging me, that he was kissing me, and everything was okay…and then I woke up and cried because it was only a dream. I was so upset because I kept thinking how much I missed him. Now if I dream about David, I cry because I wish we were back to being happy, kind to each other, and I hate that we ended, that everything we had ended. Then I think about Matt and wonder why I keep trying with him, but at the same time I keep thinking he’s worth it and then I get frustrated with him, at myself, everything. I hate hate hate hate hate this mess. Life is so freaking crazy.

I hate these headaches, like the one I’ve got right now that I can feel in just a part of my head and I wish I was asleep and not existing in this mess L I hate life sometimes, and then I worry that I’m being too depressed, because I just hate being depressed but then I think how many times I’ve said the word “hate” today. I hate hate hate life. L I’m such a freaky depressed person and I can’t handle life or anything else, so being here just gets more and more frustrating. I want it all to go away, I want to not have to worry about life anymore, I want everything to go away. I don’t know how to handle life if life means all this pain and confusion.

Everything equals confused right now. I just don’t know. Then I hate myself for being so depressed, and I hate myself for being so lost. I don’t know how to make it through life. I need psychological help, I need to go to a psychologist like Ali says I should, but all I keep thinking is SCARED TO DEATH. I don’t know how to make sense of myself the way I am, but I don’t know how to ask for help without getting scared. I don’t even know why I’m scared. I think maybe I want to be scared and messed up so I can always have someone trying to help me be better. I want to help everyone else, but I’m scared to grow and have everyone leave me alone. This is me hating me again today.

You know, it’s funny, people admire how much I trust people. If only they knew that I don’t trust anyone at all. I don’t trust people to not leave me, so I don’t trust them to help me either. I only trust that people will try to help me as long as I need help, and they will only be around as long as people know I need help. That makes me such a freaky terrible person L

Ali did you read all of that or are you doing your homework like you really need to? <3

You know, sometimes I sit around and imagine what it might be like to talk to a counselor about all the stuff I’m going through. I can’t imagine anything I say being said with acceptance, or even understanding. I keep seeing this interview in my head, and I keep thinking that I’m just a messed up person. I don’t know how to handle an interview with a counselor because I don’t think I can go in and have an interview and not feel insignificant, and messed up beyond help. I don’t love myself enough and I recognize that. I don’t like that. I just always have this feeling of curling up into a ball and crying all the way through my life because I don’t know how to do anything else with my life. I complain that people like Lehi have no motivation, and yet here I am and I have not enough motivation to actually make myself better. There is a reason behind it, but I don’t know how to do it.

This is me being happy!

Wow. A lot, wow. Okay so this is me back to making lists!

Testimony meeting awesomeness
Ali and Hannah
Friends in general
Relief society?
Leah!
Scripture study
Good habits
People saying thank you
Smiles!

Okie dokie, starting with Testimony Meeting. I sat there, had a reeeeally strong feeling that I haddd to get up there and start talking, and wow. I was amazed. Only one person had gone up so far, and all of a sudden, when I get up, three other people got up at the same time. Crazy!!! I went up there, talked about Brian saying I was strong, and how my trials make me strong because I can handle them. I admire Brian for the way he handles his trials, I call him strong for how he talks about his trials, and today, I was really thinking about how he thinks I'm strong for the way I handle my trials. So I really got to thinking about it, and in this day and age, we are the chosen generation. We are strong. Each of us are different in being strong, but the fact that we are here means that we are STRONG.

Next thing I thought of was Beth and her testimony through small and simple things. She and I were talking in the middle of the day in the middle of the week, on an ordinary day, and she simply said "I know the Gospel is true, and so I know that Jesus will help me, and he will help you too. Just trust him". That is total paraphrasing, because I really can't remember if that was exactly it. But it was the right thing for me right then. It's all about how little things make the biggest difference, because her simple testimony in the middle of everything else drama wise going on, meant the world of difference to me.

Then I thought of Ali. I seriously love Ali for what she told me, because it was so freaking honest. I loved that. Anyhow, with that, she basically said that she is having trouble with feeling the Spirit, and I had to say I've been there a lot. A lot a lot. But the Spirit always finds a way to get to your heart, and sometimes the venue is other people. Ali was that other person more than once for me, and that really means a lot to me.

That all ties back to my New Testament class, where Brother Thurgood said that when we feel prompted to share our testimony, because you never know who could be listening who needs to hear something you have to say. I seriously am in love with that, because it means so much to me that people could hear something I have to say, and I could be the person to say something everyone needed to hear....

Kayy next thing (kind of out of order but it's kayy). People kept telling me thank you for your testimony. Seriously? You made my day. Most. :D

Umumum.

I talk about Leah now!! So one of the testimonies shared today was about standing up for your beliefs in the hardest of times. This girl talked about how her coworkers (I think it was coworkers) would swear, drink, and talk about inappropriate subjects. When they would start up these conversations, she would simply leave. Leah has been having some trouble because of a similar situation, so after I heard this testimony, I shared it with her. In this girl's testimony, she talked about being a peculiar people, and how that was a good thing, to be known as a peculiar people, because we are. We can be and will be eventually respected for our beliefs if we do not allow them to be shaken. It's kind of interesting, but this brings to mind Helaman 5 12, which reads, "And now my sons, remember, remember that it is upon the rock of our Redeemer, who is Christ, the Son of God, that ye must build your foundation, that when the devil shall send forth his mighty winds, yea his shafts in the whirlwind, yea when all his hail and his mighty storm shall beat upon you, it shall have no power over you to drag you down to the gulf of misery and endless wo, because of the rock upon which ye are built, which is a sure foundation, a foundation whereon if men build they cannot fall." It's interesting, because this was also a scripture that me and my roommates sat around and talked about before church this morning.

So um um kay next on my list-my prompting about relief society! I would like to preface this with the statement that this may not be something that ends up coming to happen, but it is something that I know is a prompting from God. It's like....I know that something is going to happen, but I could have interpreted the feeling I got in the wrong way. Still, if things work out the way I think they will, this will be really an interesting situation.

Kayy so all through Relief Society today I kept feeling that I should talk to Emma because I felt like she was going to need me in this Relief Society as a part of the presidency. She already has one councilor, so I don't know if I'm going to end up as the other councilor, or what, but I am kind of really excited, no matter what happens.

That's really it I guess. Oh! Except I'm really happy me and my roommates are getting into the habit of reading scriptures together on Sunday and having prayer as an apartment family thing. I'm really really excited about that. I don't know, I'm in a way good mood :D

Lots of love
Lisa <3

A Frustrated Post

Wow, I stink at titles for blogs. So today, I'm going to say a lot of random things, that nobody will probably read, so I really don't care! :) Anyhow, hi. Jeez. I'm going to start out this blog post by saying OH MY GOSH I HAVE NO CLUE WHEN IT COMES TO BOYS. Boys are the MOST confusing thing in the universe. You know what? Instead of that, I'm switching tactics to organize my thoughts. First, a list of everything on my mind, then an explanation for each item on my list. Here goes!

Matt
Jonathan
Players in general
Me stressing out


Okie dokie, now to start. Really this time. Jonathan. You, mister, confuse me to no end. I kind of hate you right now. I was so ready to give you a chance, to think about you as someone special. But somehow, I went from that to feeling like wow, he's a player, I'm wasting my time. I'm so tired of this mess. Have you ever been there? Dude. I am tired, and I mean extremely tired, of players. I'm done, players are a no-no. I'm not someone who is going to cure them of their player-ness, and I'm not someone who is worth being toyed around with. I don't like being pulled on strings like a puppet, I don't like all of that in general. So BACK OFF. Kay thanks. Jonathan...being sweet...is nice. I hate that. Weird, or what? I just can't stand him being nice and everything and then all of a sudden being a flirt with every other girl. If I'm special, I'm special, and that's all there is to it. If I'm not, don't toy with me. Don't invite yourself over to my apartment every other day, I know I'm fun, but don't seem interested in me if you really aren't. The other option scares me just as much. He's looking for a wife. He's 24 and he wants to get married. I'm not volunteering! Getting married? I'm not ready for that. I'm still thinking about going on a mission. Just me. Got it?

If anyone reads that entire paragraph, go ahead and stop right here with this blog post, because it's a lotttt of random musings complaints issues that I'm having right this moment. Next blog post is going to (possibly) contain more detail, and will be on much happier subjects than this one. :)

Matt. Now there is my real quandry. I like him. A LOT. But he's a premie, a pre-missionary kid. I think he's wonderful, hot, and really hilarious. I wish I could feel right that he likes me. I don't get that feeling, the comfortable feeling of "yes, this is a sure thing, he likes me." It's like a Joel thing, where I feel like this entire thing is going to turn into another older brother presence in my life. I don't want that, I want a guy. I want to be over the mess with David, and I want a guy like Matt, who is so great about listening to issues, and so wonderful about being downright hilarious. He's the kind of guy who takes you out for ice cream just because, he's the kind of guy who makes anything a joke, except for the serious things that can't be funny, he's the kind of person who calls you to make sure you made it to the airport, and leaves funny voicemails even though the voicemail won't get to you until you are actually awake. He's dreamy, silly, and so wonderfully worth the trouble to go after him. I TOLD him I like him. Now I feel like I'm waiting on him to actually care. I think he's in a similar position as I am, being broken up over a previous relationship. Me, I'm scarred by David. I'm sure he'd be happy to know it. Matt seems kind of scarred by different cheating girlfriends. He doesn't deserve that. I miss him, a lot, even though our entire...friendship has mostly been through Facebook. He's really worth so much more than being cheated on. Yeah, anyhow, that's all I'm going to say about Matt right now. Next on my list is players, and I think I said something about that when I was talking about Jonathan, so now, I'm going to change my next BLEH to David.

David, David, David. How much I am frustrated at thee David. I loved this guy, more than anyone else in the world, at one point in my life. How the heck does it all go to such extremes? I loved him, now I can't understand a thing about him. I accepted him, and he lied to me. I don't think I posted the entire story about this, so I'm going to say everything about it now.

He told me that he was being deployed, to an undecided location. Classified, actually. Either way, he couldn't tell me. He said he was leaving December 18th, the day before I would be back in the area for Christmas break. I said I would miss him, a lot. Thanksgiving break, he started pushing me away, and I felt terrible. I made a huge deal about how much I loved him, and how I didn't know how to handle being just friends. We had been everything to each other, and now we were just friends, and I didn't know how to handle it. I am still not sure how everything was so extreme that week. In one of our conversations, at 1 in the morning, somehow we ended up with this hypothetical question-what if we got married? What if that was what I wanted? What if it was what he wanted? What if, what if, what if? He (at that point) had told me that he was being deployed the week after Thanksgiving break. I was very upset, of course, because I wouldn't be able to talk to him. In the hypothetical world of us getting married, however, that kind of thing was a little less of an issue, because we would be together. I didn't feel like getting married was the right option, because my Dad doesn't like David, and I didn't feel mature enough to get married. The week after Thanksgiving break, I made a huge deal about how much I didn't know what to say or think about the entire hypothetical question situation thing. I was really worried. David kept pushing me away. But at the same time, he made a huge deal about talking to me every day that week. It was a big deal, because in the two months previous to this, I had only talked to David on the weekends, because he was always busy working. I felt special but sad at the same time, with the way that things were going. There was a lot going on with school when this all happened, and I felt so terrible. David ended up "leaving" and calling me the next day "from a phone that everyone was waiting in line to use, for fifteen minute calls to special people". He claimed it was six in the morning there, and it was 9 or so at night where I was at. He told me basically that I needed to get over him. I cried, a lot. Hannah was there for me, and I was really happy to have her there, because I really needed her.

So, I cried, and Jonathan ended up walking by (this was all at Latin dancing night) and saw me crying. I told him I was fine, then I ended up seeing him earlier, he guessed I was crying over a guy, and said that I was beautiful, that I have a beautiful body, and that I have a beautiful smile (he really likes the word beautiful haha) and so I should look for someone better who will treat me better. Guess who started hitting on me right after that? You guessed it-Jonathan. Anyhow, I was all sad because David was leaving. Here is where things get really really complicated.

That weekend, I was by turns happy and depressed, happy because of random awesome things that were going on, and depressed because David was gone, and I didn't know how to handle it. The Tuesday after he called me and told me to get over him because "he could be dead within the next 24 hours" I was on Facebook, and I looked his name up, so I could see his page, and remember him happily. The name didn't show up, at all. I proceeded to log out of my Facebook, and I logged into his, to see if it was no longer active, because he was gone. Okay so log in....and it denies me access. I try the password I knew a couple times, then tried it again, then tried it with a character removed....then I got in. Kayy the password has been changed. Why? I don't know. Oh wait look maybe that's why! David is now in a relationship with Kelsay! He is also not deployed. He is posting crap on Facebook still! Wow, why didn't I realize that the boy I had loved before was a total jerk?? and a player?? Oh it gets better. I was blocked, on Facebook. You know, the thing you do to the people you hate? Me. Christmas break rolls around, and David calls me "again from a telephone box that everyone has to use". Yeah, I believe that crap. He denied that the entire relationship with Kelsay had happened, denied that he hadn't been deployed, denied that he had changed his password, denied that he blocked me, denied that he was a jerk in general. However, he DID apologize for everything else. The relationship with the skank, the two weeks we didn't talk, the last three months where he had only talked to me on the weekends, and the last phone call he had given me, where he had totally been a class A jerk. He wanted to ask me for forgiveness, he wanted to be friends. Translation? He was sorry for everything he had done when he had claimed he was deployed, he was sorry for going around my back, he was sorry that I found out. Things didn't work out between him and Kelsay and so he wanted me as a reserve girlfriend. Yes, thanks, no. He "came back" from being "deployed" and added me on Facebook again, and also messaged me. I am kind of a mess, over everything when it comes to David. What the heck.

Anyhow, that's the whole story, up to now. I don't blame myself for the fact that David has issues. I do feel bad for him. I don't love him. Now, I am supremely lonely and I kind of have David to blame, and all kinds of memories to replace. Yeah, a big fat mess. Me! Bleh. I love my life.

Anyhow, next on my list....me stressing out! I am seriously stressed, because my entire college experience last semester ended with me being reeeeeeeeeeally awfully bad grades. Yeah. Umm? It was not good. My dad lost his job, I have almost no money, and I am looking for work right now. I'm not doing the greatest, but not the worst either. It could all be a lot worse. Yeah. I guess. I'm just going to keep thinking that. It's been a mess, but I'm praying I get that job that I applied for.

I am totally needing to pray better. I'm working on praying as an apartment, and as myself. I hope it all works out! I am kind of worried about that. I don't know, lol.

I am worried about Ali and her issues, and Hannah and her issues, and well....me and my issues. That's me right now, a big mess of WORRY. Anyhow, yeah, me.....Love me.

I am still handling self esteem issues (which I try to hide, but lately I feel more and more like I should be fixing them.)

Right now, I am a mess in general, but I have faith I will get better. If you read this post, think my life is crap, wait til the next post! It will be much happier, I promise.

Super Friday (Not Saturday)

Still feeling really tired....but it's a better tired I guess. I woke up at a decent time today!!!!!! I was so proud of myself. Now I'm hanging out with Lehi, and it's fun but I keep almost falling asleep on his shoulder. Poor guy. As always, missing David. He hasn't answered his phone, he only texted me once yesterday, and other than that I haven't heard from him since Sunday. Last Sunday. I can't wait for Latin dancing tonight. I'm really excited about dancing with all the different guys I hope to see there tonight :) But at the same time, I'm worried about things not working out with everything. I keep feeling shut out, like there is something I keep doing wrong, when I only want to learn. I don't mean to be a problem, but I also don't want to be controlled by other people's actions. Lots going on, too little thought, too many headaches. Everything in my head hurts, and it's a pain in the head (haha) trying to study at all. Making me frustrated, but at this point, I guess it's normal. What to do, what to do. Yeah. Today has been fun so far, watching Ghost Whisperer with Lehi, and half being asleep on his shoulder. Who knew THAT would turn out to be such a nice experience haha. My roommies have been in and out of the apartment all day...I'm thinking one more episode of Ghost Whisperer, then BOWLING haha. After that, who knows? Then of course Latin Dancing...I GET MY SHOES TODAY :D I'm so excited. But that's all the way at seven. Can I even wait that long? Maybe I should do homework...yeah that's something I really need to do, but right now I don't know how to manage it all. We'll see how it all goes. Yay for me. Maybe two episodes of Ghost Whisperer then bowling...that way there will be less time to wait to go dancing haha :)

Feeling Really Cruddy

Talk about insomnia. All right now, I can't focus on anything... really I just want to go and do some homework, but I don't have a clue how to actually focus enough to DO it. It is really getting frustrating. I just want to write, do, something good for once today. It's just a mess of stuff that does NOT make a bit of sense. I need to fix my life. Now. Today. But I can't figure out how to actually do it instead of just talking about it. I have issues.

WHAT THE HECK

This is such an awful day. Week. Life. WHATEVER :( I just missed two classes over a nap that was supposed to be 20 minutes long, and I still feel absolutely sick to my stomach, and just plain awful. Everything today has just gone wrong. I woke up, and got ready, and thought I had a couple minutes for a nap. Instead, I slept an extra 2-3 hours. D: It was terrible! I woke up, feeling sick to my stomach, and again sick with the sensation of post nasal drip (maybe), a migraine (still), and congestion (still). This migraine has been going on since Wednesday night, last week, and I have been sick and congested since...I have no idea when. It has been awesome. NOT. :( Jeezums. I can't wait to be done with this.

My terrible Tuesday

Seriously, today has been one of the worst days ever. I'm trying so hard to look forward to Friday, cause then I'll be going Latin Dancing, and I love it. I'm looking forward to tomorrow, cause it's Swing dancing. I'm learning a lot, and loving this place, but so dang frustrated that my dreams are not reality. I want David. It's like a mantra inside my head. Nothing else is getting room for thought, and it bugs me that it's that way. I miss him, and I can't even talk to him. When I started this semester, I was worried because I was doing badly cause David and I had had a fight. Now I'm doing badly cause I think we've had another one except we haven't. I miss him like crazy and I want him just as much. He was supposed to call me twice today. Did he call either time? NO :( Yeah, there's my rant about David.

Then I'm frustrated for my friend Ryan. Poor guy, he had his Facebook hacked, and the person hacking it did a lot of bullcrap. He changed Ryan's picture to a reeeeeeeeeeeeally offensive pornographic picture. Way wrong. I was so upset for Ryan, and worried when I didn't know what was going on. Poor guy.

Then I'm upset about my poem. I like it but I hate it. I want to write so much, it's all teaming up inside my head, but nothing is making sense. All these images, for all these different things, and so far I can't straighten it out. Heck, I just wrote this, and I want to write about the teaming images. My mind is a crazy slate that I can't figure out.

On top of all of that, I have a psychology exam coming up, and I want to do well, and I want to study, but I don't know where to start! Everything seems so overwhelming. My toilet overflowed, my budget won't add up, and everything is just a mess :( Tomorrow is clean-check day, so I have to be sure my bed is made nicely, or it won't pass inspection. I have to be to Psychology early, and I really hope things are okay with that. My Book of Mormon class is awesome but I don't know where to start with the next poem for that. I'm trying so hard, and I don't ever feel like I'm trying hard enough.

I see my roommate Nancy every day, studying, doing homework until there isn't time left in the day, and I just have to feel bad that I'm not doing more. I'm working, hard, really I am, but I don't know how I will handle this and working next semester. I have to do better. I must. It's like another separate but equally insistent mantra in my head. I keep thinking things will work out, and everything will make sense, but it hasn't hit me yet. I wish I had a freaking clue.