Thursday, more poetry, more David

Okay so today my favorite class of the day is cancelled so I have to worry about what I am doing during this time. It's a little intimidating sometimes to be in my poetry class about the history of poetry. There are some dang good poems in the history of poetry, and I have no chances against people like Emily Dickenson and Robert Frost. Dunne, Marvell, everyone. It's insane. I really love the great works, I just find it intimidating. My poetry for the poetry retreat was denied, and I really feel awful about it. I wish my stuff was good enough to be one of the 15 accepted instead of one of the 35 denied poets for this retreat. I love poetry. I want to hope to be good, really good. I just don't always feel confident about my poetry.

It's how it goes, I guess. I am also kind of tired and frustrated when it comes to David again. He is so sweet still, but he is also all over the place with showing me how much he cares about me. It's amazing how he keeps trying to prove himself to me all over again. I am not sure I want it to stop. I can always appreciate the love he gives me. I love how I fell asleep on the phone with him. To me, that is a really intimate act. I loved sleeping in his arms when we hung out at his house, and falling asleep on the phone is the best next thing since he's so far away. It's like I'm Lehi and he's me, with the entire relationship with me and Lehi. It was alllll over the phone. I don't know what exactly I am going to do until summer comes around. He's so wonderful, and we were always so good together. I just want to scream it to the world, how happy I am and sad I am all at the same time. Why did we have to reconnect this way NOW when I am thousands of miles away? I feel ridiculous about it all. I want him. I want him a lot and I think it would work out soooo much better if this was happening like say two years from now :( He's only 17, and that doesn't bug me when it comes to us dating, but it bugs me when I think of things like getting married. I love the idea. I am so scared by the idea. I don't know, he's so wonderful to me, and I just keep thinking how obvious I am about how much I love him. He was really sweet yesterday, he said how he would take a billet for me and he wouldn't let me put myself in danger when I said I would do the same for him. It's such an odd relationship.

Things are better

He and I are talking again and it is GREAT!!!!!!!!! :]

Goodnight

Mmmmmm so now we're best friends again and I love it :) It's totally cliche, I know, but our friendship survived somehow. He still is sorry. I think I'm going to leave it that way for awhile so I can get a hold of myself, I guess. I'm falling so hard and fast, I don't know how to look at what is going on here. He's totally in love with me still...and I don't mind, not one bit. It's nice being told so regularly how wonderful you are, or how much someone loves you. I feel amazing right now when it comes to David. He really is sorry for not talking to me, making me not trust him, and making me hurt so much. That makes me feel just...amazing. I want to be cherished, and when I've been hurt I want to be cared about till the hurt goes away. I feel like that happened. Right now, I really wish he was here. Not thousands of miles away. I want my David back. I still need to do my homework, so I am glad I am awake, but at the same time, I want to be talking on the phone with the guy that I can already see myself spending my life with. Even though he hurt me, I already forgive him, and I already love him more than I know how to express.

I hate this

I swear every time I think of being happy with anyone, for any reason, I just keep getting sad. I think of how much fun I had when I danced with David at that dance. I think of how wonderful it was to kiss him for the first time the day of the Christmas dance. I remember things like him walking me to my car when other guys walk me home. I think of how wonderfully protective he was of me whenever I was upset when I am upset for no stinking reason. I think of way too much stuff. I hate it. I wish I knew how to fix it. He was my best friend. I can't stop thinking that. He was my best friend, and now it's all gone because he decided not to talk to me anymore, or to listen to me anymore, or anything. I keep trying. I keep wanting. No matter what I say or do though, I am just not getting through to him. He kissed me, he was the first and last boy to ever kiss me. That means a lot to me. I slept in his bed with him, occasionally. Yeah no I know I shouldn't have, but I did. *shrug* we didn't DO anything...we just slept together when we would hang out and I would be tired. I miss it so much. I miss everything. I just wish we could at least be friends again, instead of being distant, and never talking.

My messy life

Now I'm really depressed. My poetry is getting awful ratings, my homework is endless, my brain is going down the drain, my life is reeeeally messed up :( I don't want to go to sleep, even though I am absolutely exhausted, because I don't know how I am going to face tomorrow. I feel awful, terrible, you name it. I really want to have a better look on life, but I'm just tired of all the pain, the mess, the stupid stuff my life has been. I want it all to go away. I think I'm going to ask for another priesthood blessing, but for strength to do everything that I need to do this semester. I'm so tired all the time. I'm not getting anywhere. I'm really frustrated, and I can't figure it out.

When Will Things Get Better?

Okay so I know I am totally overstepping the bounds of abnormally pissed off...but I am. Every time I try to talk about this entire mess, I feel better. The next day rolls around and I am one depressed mess. I don't exactly feel like I can explain it to my parents, for fear of being told that I'm being over dramatic, or that I had an unhealthy relationship and it is good for it to be over. Right now all I want is him back. I dream about it. I think about it constantly. He loved me, I know he did. How in the world does that change so dang fast? All I see is these cliche things with his new girlfriend wearing his NAVY hat...and I burn with jealousy...and I break apart inside. Everything I loved seems centered around him right now, and as unhealthy as I know this is, I can't figure out a way to break this hold he has on me. He has a hold on me without even knowing it. "Absence makes the heart grow fonder" is what I've heard. Well right now what I'm feeling blows that all to hell and back. He is 100% absent from my entire life. I hate how much I love him right now. I don't want to love him. I want to hate him for what he has done to ruin my life. I hate to be the cliche girl who thinks that it really was her fault. But it's me anyhow. Somehow, my life is in ruins, and it is all his fault. And he doesn't even care. He won't answer my calls. He won't listen to my texts. I don't want to leave voicemails every time I call, but I want to. I hate this so much, with everything inside of me. I don't want to be like this, so depressed that I don't feel like living, and all over a guy who has broken my heart. How does that make the slightest bit of sense? We were a couple that everyone saw as the future perfect bride and groom. I loved him enough for that to happen. Now I am torn with torment as I wonder if I will ever be the same again, because of what he has left me as?

I Wish I Knew What To Do

I've got kind of a situation here that I don't have the slightest clue how to handle. Me and my best friend in the entire world dated. We were great together, physically, emotionally, everything. Now everything is a mess.

My world feels like it is over, because not only did we break up as boyfriend and girlfriend, but we broke up as friends. I could have handled the relationship break up. I wasn't handling it very well, but I would have been able to figure myself out.

The whole thing changed when we broke up, and not a month goes by and he's already dating someone new. This is the guy who I knew better than anyone in the world. We were each other's best friend, and sometimes I think he knew me better than I knew me. Sometimes I think I knew him...or thought I knew him...better than he knew himself. We were very close. Not in the physical way that most people think of, when they think about physical relationships. But we were the best, and I mean the very best of friends.

Now we're far away from each other, physically and emotionally. He apparently wants nothing to do with me. I just don't know how to handle it. I got upset at him first, for already being in a relationship, right after kissing me goodbye before I left for college. You can say that I'm stupid, for believing in him. You would be right. What hurts me the most, is not even the fact that he is dating someone else already, is the fact that all I want right now, is for things to be right between us. I would give him a hundred chances if only he would take them.

I am the one who feels betrayed in this...however I would give anything to be friends with him again. He was my support when my senior year went to hell. He was my comfort when all I got was yelled at. He was my friend for when I was scared. He was my cuddler, when I just wanted that physical closeness. He was the first boy I ever kissed, and the only boy I have ever kissed. I don't know what to do without my best friend.