I hate the entire thing with Matt. I don’t have a freaking
clue what to do, besides wait. I hate waiting. It’s so so so so so annoying,
because I see him there, on Facebook, we do this stupid poke war thing, and
it’s like he doesn’t want to have anything to do with me. I woke up this
morning at 7 30 (I was so proud of myself for being up) and after that, I kept
falling asleep and waking up until I finally got up and was frustrated at
myself for what I was dreaming about. I honest to goodness dreamed that I was
on Facebook and Matt had liked a status or something. I was being all proud of
myself for waiting so patiently, I was being happy that he had decided to stop
ignoring me….and then I woke up.
It was like when me and David were mad at each other the first
time, and I sat around and dreamed that he was hugging me, that he was kissing
me, and everything was okay…and then I woke up and cried because it was only a
dream. I was so upset because I kept thinking how much I missed him. Now if I
dream about David, I cry because I wish we were back to being happy, kind to
each other, and I hate that we ended, that everything we had ended. Then I
think about Matt and wonder why I keep trying with him, but at the same time I
keep thinking he’s worth it and then I get frustrated with him, at myself,
everything. I hate hate hate hate hate this mess. Life is so freaking crazy.
I hate these headaches, like the one I’ve got right now that
I can feel in just a part of my head and I wish I was asleep and not existing
in this mess L
I hate life sometimes, and then I worry that I’m being too depressed, because I
just hate being depressed but then I think how many times I’ve said the word
“hate” today. I hate hate hate life. L I’m such a freaky
depressed person and I can’t handle life or anything else, so being here just
gets more and more frustrating. I want it all to go away, I want to not have to
worry about life anymore, I want everything to go away. I don’t know how to
handle life if life means all this pain and confusion.
Everything equals confused right now. I just don’t know.
Then I hate myself for being so depressed, and I hate myself for being so lost.
I don’t know how to make it through life. I need psychological help, I need to
go to a psychologist like Ali says I should, but all I keep thinking is SCARED
TO DEATH. I don’t know how to make sense of myself the way I am, but I don’t
know how to ask for help without getting scared. I don’t even know why I’m
scared. I think maybe I want to be scared and messed up so I can always have
someone trying to help me be better. I want to help everyone else, but I’m
scared to grow and have everyone leave me alone. This is me hating me again
today.
You know, it’s funny, people admire how much I trust people.
If only they knew that I don’t trust anyone at all. I don’t trust people to not
leave me, so I don’t trust them to help me either. I only trust that people
will try to help me as long as I need help, and they will only be around as
long as people know I need help. That makes me such a freaky terrible person L
Ali did you read all of that or are you doing your homework
like you really need to? <3
You know, sometimes I sit around and imagine what it might
be like to talk to a counselor about all the stuff I’m going through. I can’t
imagine anything I say being said with acceptance, or even understanding. I
keep seeing this interview in my head, and I keep thinking that I’m just a
messed up person. I don’t know how to handle an interview with a counselor
because I don’t think I can go in and have an interview and not feel
insignificant, and messed up beyond help. I don’t love myself enough and I
recognize that. I don’t like that. I just always have this feeling of curling
up into a ball and crying all the way through my life because I don’t know how
to do anything else with my life. I complain that people like Lehi have no
motivation, and yet here I am and I have not enough motivation to actually make
myself better. There is a reason behind it, but I don’t know how to do it.
