See, I have decided something. Blogging is kind of theraputic. Nobody has to "approve" of what you say by "liking" it like with Facebook. I am able to just say whatever crap I want to say.
Right now, I'm so HAPPY for friends like Ali that understand EVERYTHING.
She and I had this long conversation that just made everythinggggg better. I want to keep up with the everything be better out look. Not everything is better, I'm still really lonely. I hate being alone, and I feel alone in tons of things. I love hugs, and sometimes I need everyone to hug me.
Kay, now I'm half regretting the Facebook thing. Since I did the "deactivate" later in the day, nobody really saw my status about what I was doing. Maybe a bad decision on my part lol. Debatedebatedebate. I'm going to cry when it doesn't last more than three days that I leave my Facebook alone.
I mean...Facebook is kind of silly. But it's also kind of fun. Sometimes. I miss it already, and I'm still trying to figure out why. All I did when I was Facebooking was just sitting around stalking people. Silly stuffs.
I miiss Eric like a butt ton! It's really sad. Every time I think about him BAM I miss him. I wish I could pull some more all nighters with him. funnnnnnest ever. Silliest, for sure, but funnest :D
He just told me that I have to reactivate my Facebook so he can continue to cyberstalk me. Awww!
Yeah, I'm lame. Not gonna lie. I activated my Facebook already. I'm so lame.
Thursday, October 11, 2012
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
Shut up brain
It's one of those moments. The terrible, awful moments that you do something that you know isn't going to get you anywhere but you want a reaction, you want something to just happen, so you do it anyway. After you've done it, something happens, or something doesn't, and the entire thing kind of feels like a flop. That's me tonight!
Twice.
This has happened with two different guys.
WHY GUYS
why brain?
I'm hating my brain right now. Especially especiallyyyyyyy because...well....my period sucks balls. I'm always doing stupid crap like I can't control myself. Oh. My. Gosh. Why did I do it in the first place? It was stupid. I know. But hey, hormones are running and everything happens even if it's stupider than anything in the world!
I hate being so idiotic sometimes.
Okay, now for the stupid that I did.
BUGGING GUYS AND NOT JUST HAVING AN OUNCE OF PATIENCE
I am not patient. I know this. But I need to sit back and wait and hope (HOPE) that somehow I will be able to magically hear from them, and get something to happen.
This is me. Writing to me. Saying. ME. Go ahead and SHUT UP. Brain. Shut up. Now. Pleasee. Stop being an idiot. Stop talking to them. Just wait. Pray. Hope. They will come to you. Eventually. :) you'll see.
Thank you brain. Stay. Shut. Up.
Thank you all readers who agree with me (hahahaha what a joke as if I have readers) :)
Twice.
This has happened with two different guys.
WHY GUYS
why brain?
I'm hating my brain right now. Especially especiallyyyyyyy because...well....my period sucks balls. I'm always doing stupid crap like I can't control myself. Oh. My. Gosh. Why did I do it in the first place? It was stupid. I know. But hey, hormones are running and everything happens even if it's stupider than anything in the world!
I hate being so idiotic sometimes.
Okay, now for the stupid that I did.
BUGGING GUYS AND NOT JUST HAVING AN OUNCE OF PATIENCE
I am not patient. I know this. But I need to sit back and wait and hope (HOPE) that somehow I will be able to magically hear from them, and get something to happen.
This is me. Writing to me. Saying. ME. Go ahead and SHUT UP. Brain. Shut up. Now. Pleasee. Stop being an idiot. Stop talking to them. Just wait. Pray. Hope. They will come to you. Eventually. :) you'll see.
Thank you brain. Stay. Shut. Up.
Thank you all readers who agree with me (hahahaha what a joke as if I have readers) :)
Monday, October 1, 2012
So Much Changes
Last year, would I have known that I would be right here right now? No I wouldn't have! So much has changed, and so much has stayed the same.
Same
I'm still depressive
I'm still lying to my parents about my finances and my grades
I'm still boycrazy
I'm still immature
Different
Matt
Aaron
Matt
(Yes, they are different Matt's too)
WHAT IS IT WITH THAT NAME ANYHOW????
Anyhow.
Boys are a constant of messiness and confusion, and yuck and yum at the same time.
Jeff and Dell are still insisting on how I need a "real man" and how "womanly" I have become
I think they are nuts. I'm still working on growing up, and wanting to grow up, let alone being a "womanly woman"
I hate how people look at me sometimes, when I don't even know how to look at myself.
I'm really happy
and sad
about
stupid things
aka
BOYS
:)
I'm happy even though I'm overthinking Matt. He's so cute. And appears to like me. Whuttt?
That shouldn't surprise me so much, but it does. I should just be happy and stop worrying about it. :)
I need to figure out my lack of attendance at class
My lateness to class
My issues in general
Ughhh I keep looking at it all a little fast a little bit of everything all at once
CRAZY :)
Same
I'm still depressive
I'm still lying to my parents about my finances and my grades
I'm still boycrazy
I'm still immature
Different
Matt
Aaron
Matt
(Yes, they are different Matt's too)
WHAT IS IT WITH THAT NAME ANYHOW????
Anyhow.
Boys are a constant of messiness and confusion, and yuck and yum at the same time.
Jeff and Dell are still insisting on how I need a "real man" and how "womanly" I have become
I think they are nuts. I'm still working on growing up, and wanting to grow up, let alone being a "womanly woman"
I hate how people look at me sometimes, when I don't even know how to look at myself.
I'm really happy
and sad
about
stupid things
aka
BOYS
:)
I'm happy even though I'm overthinking Matt. He's so cute. And appears to like me. Whuttt?
That shouldn't surprise me so much, but it does. I should just be happy and stop worrying about it. :)
I need to figure out my lack of attendance at class
My lateness to class
My issues in general
Ughhh I keep looking at it all a little fast a little bit of everything all at once
CRAZY :)
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
HATE
I hate the entire thing with Matt. I don’t have a freaking
clue what to do, besides wait. I hate waiting. It’s so so so so so annoying,
because I see him there, on Facebook, we do this stupid poke war thing, and
it’s like he doesn’t want to have anything to do with me. I woke up this
morning at 7 30 (I was so proud of myself for being up) and after that, I kept
falling asleep and waking up until I finally got up and was frustrated at
myself for what I was dreaming about. I honest to goodness dreamed that I was
on Facebook and Matt had liked a status or something. I was being all proud of
myself for waiting so patiently, I was being happy that he had decided to stop
ignoring me….and then I woke up.
It was like when me and David were mad at each other the first
time, and I sat around and dreamed that he was hugging me, that he was kissing
me, and everything was okay…and then I woke up and cried because it was only a
dream. I was so upset because I kept thinking how much I missed him. Now if I
dream about David, I cry because I wish we were back to being happy, kind to
each other, and I hate that we ended, that everything we had ended. Then I
think about Matt and wonder why I keep trying with him, but at the same time I
keep thinking he’s worth it and then I get frustrated with him, at myself,
everything. I hate hate hate hate hate this mess. Life is so freaking crazy.
I hate these headaches, like the one I’ve got right now that
I can feel in just a part of my head and I wish I was asleep and not existing
in this mess L
I hate life sometimes, and then I worry that I’m being too depressed, because I
just hate being depressed but then I think how many times I’ve said the word
“hate” today. I hate hate hate life. L I’m such a freaky
depressed person and I can’t handle life or anything else, so being here just
gets more and more frustrating. I want it all to go away, I want to not have to
worry about life anymore, I want everything to go away. I don’t know how to
handle life if life means all this pain and confusion.
Everything equals confused right now. I just don’t know.
Then I hate myself for being so depressed, and I hate myself for being so lost.
I don’t know how to make it through life. I need psychological help, I need to
go to a psychologist like Ali says I should, but all I keep thinking is SCARED
TO DEATH. I don’t know how to make sense of myself the way I am, but I don’t
know how to ask for help without getting scared. I don’t even know why I’m
scared. I think maybe I want to be scared and messed up so I can always have
someone trying to help me be better. I want to help everyone else, but I’m
scared to grow and have everyone leave me alone. This is me hating me again
today.
You know, it’s funny, people admire how much I trust people.
If only they knew that I don’t trust anyone at all. I don’t trust people to not
leave me, so I don’t trust them to help me either. I only trust that people
will try to help me as long as I need help, and they will only be around as
long as people know I need help. That makes me such a freaky terrible person L
Ali did you read all of that or are you doing your homework
like you really need to? <3
You know, sometimes I sit around and imagine what it might
be like to talk to a counselor about all the stuff I’m going through. I can’t
imagine anything I say being said with acceptance, or even understanding. I
keep seeing this interview in my head, and I keep thinking that I’m just a
messed up person. I don’t know how to handle an interview with a counselor
because I don’t think I can go in and have an interview and not feel
insignificant, and messed up beyond help. I don’t love myself enough and I
recognize that. I don’t like that. I just always have this feeling of curling
up into a ball and crying all the way through my life because I don’t know how
to do anything else with my life. I complain that people like Lehi have no
motivation, and yet here I am and I have not enough motivation to actually make
myself better. There is a reason behind it, but I don’t know how to do it.
Sunday, January 8, 2012
This is me being happy!
Wow. A lot, wow. Okay so this is me back to making lists!
Testimony meeting awesomeness
Ali and Hannah
Friends in general
Relief society?
Leah!
Scripture study
Good habits
People saying thank you
Smiles!
Okie dokie, starting with Testimony Meeting. I sat there, had a reeeeally strong feeling that I haddd to get up there and start talking, and wow. I was amazed. Only one person had gone up so far, and all of a sudden, when I get up, three other people got up at the same time. Crazy!!! I went up there, talked about Brian saying I was strong, and how my trials make me strong because I can handle them. I admire Brian for the way he handles his trials, I call him strong for how he talks about his trials, and today, I was really thinking about how he thinks I'm strong for the way I handle my trials. So I really got to thinking about it, and in this day and age, we are the chosen generation. We are strong. Each of us are different in being strong, but the fact that we are here means that we are STRONG.
Next thing I thought of was Beth and her testimony through small and simple things. She and I were talking in the middle of the day in the middle of the week, on an ordinary day, and she simply said "I know the Gospel is true, and so I know that Jesus will help me, and he will help you too. Just trust him". That is total paraphrasing, because I really can't remember if that was exactly it. But it was the right thing for me right then. It's all about how little things make the biggest difference, because her simple testimony in the middle of everything else drama wise going on, meant the world of difference to me.
Then I thought of Ali. I seriously love Ali for what she told me, because it was so freaking honest. I loved that. Anyhow, with that, she basically said that she is having trouble with feeling the Spirit, and I had to say I've been there a lot. A lot a lot. But the Spirit always finds a way to get to your heart, and sometimes the venue is other people. Ali was that other person more than once for me, and that really means a lot to me.
That all ties back to my New Testament class, where Brother Thurgood said that when we feel prompted to share our testimony, because you never know who could be listening who needs to hear something you have to say. I seriously am in love with that, because it means so much to me that people could hear something I have to say, and I could be the person to say something everyone needed to hear....
Kayy next thing (kind of out of order but it's kayy). People kept telling me thank you for your testimony. Seriously? You made my day. Most. :D
Umumum.
I talk about Leah now!! So one of the testimonies shared today was about standing up for your beliefs in the hardest of times. This girl talked about how her coworkers (I think it was coworkers) would swear, drink, and talk about inappropriate subjects. When they would start up these conversations, she would simply leave. Leah has been having some trouble because of a similar situation, so after I heard this testimony, I shared it with her. In this girl's testimony, she talked about being a peculiar people, and how that was a good thing, to be known as a peculiar people, because we are. We can be and will be eventually respected for our beliefs if we do not allow them to be shaken. It's kind of interesting, but this brings to mind Helaman 5 12, which reads, "And now my sons, remember, remember that it is upon the rock of our Redeemer, who is Christ, the Son of God, that ye must build your foundation, that when the devil shall send forth his mighty winds, yea his shafts in the whirlwind, yea when all his hail and his mighty storm shall beat upon you, it shall have no power over you to drag you down to the gulf of misery and endless wo, because of the rock upon which ye are built, which is a sure foundation, a foundation whereon if men build they cannot fall." It's interesting, because this was also a scripture that me and my roommates sat around and talked about before church this morning.
So um um kay next on my list-my prompting about relief society! I would like to preface this with the statement that this may not be something that ends up coming to happen, but it is something that I know is a prompting from God. It's like....I know that something is going to happen, but I could have interpreted the feeling I got in the wrong way. Still, if things work out the way I think they will, this will be really an interesting situation.
Kayy so all through Relief Society today I kept feeling that I should talk to Emma because I felt like she was going to need me in this Relief Society as a part of the presidency. She already has one councilor, so I don't know if I'm going to end up as the other councilor, or what, but I am kind of really excited, no matter what happens.
That's really it I guess. Oh! Except I'm really happy me and my roommates are getting into the habit of reading scriptures together on Sunday and having prayer as an apartment family thing. I'm really really excited about that. I don't know, I'm in a way good mood :D
Lots of love
Lisa <3
Testimony meeting awesomeness
Ali and Hannah
Friends in general
Relief society?
Leah!
Scripture study
Good habits
People saying thank you
Smiles!
Okie dokie, starting with Testimony Meeting. I sat there, had a reeeeally strong feeling that I haddd to get up there and start talking, and wow. I was amazed. Only one person had gone up so far, and all of a sudden, when I get up, three other people got up at the same time. Crazy!!! I went up there, talked about Brian saying I was strong, and how my trials make me strong because I can handle them. I admire Brian for the way he handles his trials, I call him strong for how he talks about his trials, and today, I was really thinking about how he thinks I'm strong for the way I handle my trials. So I really got to thinking about it, and in this day and age, we are the chosen generation. We are strong. Each of us are different in being strong, but the fact that we are here means that we are STRONG.
Next thing I thought of was Beth and her testimony through small and simple things. She and I were talking in the middle of the day in the middle of the week, on an ordinary day, and she simply said "I know the Gospel is true, and so I know that Jesus will help me, and he will help you too. Just trust him". That is total paraphrasing, because I really can't remember if that was exactly it. But it was the right thing for me right then. It's all about how little things make the biggest difference, because her simple testimony in the middle of everything else drama wise going on, meant the world of difference to me.
Then I thought of Ali. I seriously love Ali for what she told me, because it was so freaking honest. I loved that. Anyhow, with that, she basically said that she is having trouble with feeling the Spirit, and I had to say I've been there a lot. A lot a lot. But the Spirit always finds a way to get to your heart, and sometimes the venue is other people. Ali was that other person more than once for me, and that really means a lot to me.
That all ties back to my New Testament class, where Brother Thurgood said that when we feel prompted to share our testimony, because you never know who could be listening who needs to hear something you have to say. I seriously am in love with that, because it means so much to me that people could hear something I have to say, and I could be the person to say something everyone needed to hear....
Kayy next thing (kind of out of order but it's kayy). People kept telling me thank you for your testimony. Seriously? You made my day. Most. :D
Umumum.
I talk about Leah now!! So one of the testimonies shared today was about standing up for your beliefs in the hardest of times. This girl talked about how her coworkers (I think it was coworkers) would swear, drink, and talk about inappropriate subjects. When they would start up these conversations, she would simply leave. Leah has been having some trouble because of a similar situation, so after I heard this testimony, I shared it with her. In this girl's testimony, she talked about being a peculiar people, and how that was a good thing, to be known as a peculiar people, because we are. We can be and will be eventually respected for our beliefs if we do not allow them to be shaken. It's kind of interesting, but this brings to mind Helaman 5 12, which reads, "And now my sons, remember, remember that it is upon the rock of our Redeemer, who is Christ, the Son of God, that ye must build your foundation, that when the devil shall send forth his mighty winds, yea his shafts in the whirlwind, yea when all his hail and his mighty storm shall beat upon you, it shall have no power over you to drag you down to the gulf of misery and endless wo, because of the rock upon which ye are built, which is a sure foundation, a foundation whereon if men build they cannot fall." It's interesting, because this was also a scripture that me and my roommates sat around and talked about before church this morning.
So um um kay next on my list-my prompting about relief society! I would like to preface this with the statement that this may not be something that ends up coming to happen, but it is something that I know is a prompting from God. It's like....I know that something is going to happen, but I could have interpreted the feeling I got in the wrong way. Still, if things work out the way I think they will, this will be really an interesting situation.
Kayy so all through Relief Society today I kept feeling that I should talk to Emma because I felt like she was going to need me in this Relief Society as a part of the presidency. She already has one councilor, so I don't know if I'm going to end up as the other councilor, or what, but I am kind of really excited, no matter what happens.
That's really it I guess. Oh! Except I'm really happy me and my roommates are getting into the habit of reading scriptures together on Sunday and having prayer as an apartment family thing. I'm really really excited about that. I don't know, I'm in a way good mood :D
Lots of love
Lisa <3
A Frustrated Post
Wow, I stink at titles for blogs. So today, I'm going to say a lot of random things, that nobody will probably read, so I really don't care! :) Anyhow, hi. Jeez. I'm going to start out this blog post by saying OH MY GOSH I HAVE NO CLUE WHEN IT COMES TO BOYS. Boys are the MOST confusing thing in the universe. You know what? Instead of that, I'm switching tactics to organize my thoughts. First, a list of everything on my mind, then an explanation for each item on my list. Here goes!
Matt
Jonathan
Players in general
Me stressing out
Okie dokie, now to start. Really this time. Jonathan. You, mister, confuse me to no end. I kind of hate you right now. I was so ready to give you a chance, to think about you as someone special. But somehow, I went from that to feeling like wow, he's a player, I'm wasting my time. I'm so tired of this mess. Have you ever been there? Dude. I am tired, and I mean extremely tired, of players. I'm done, players are a no-no. I'm not someone who is going to cure them of their player-ness, and I'm not someone who is worth being toyed around with. I don't like being pulled on strings like a puppet, I don't like all of that in general. So BACK OFF. Kay thanks. Jonathan...being sweet...is nice. I hate that. Weird, or what? I just can't stand him being nice and everything and then all of a sudden being a flirt with every other girl. If I'm special, I'm special, and that's all there is to it. If I'm not, don't toy with me. Don't invite yourself over to my apartment every other day, I know I'm fun, but don't seem interested in me if you really aren't. The other option scares me just as much. He's looking for a wife. He's 24 and he wants to get married. I'm not volunteering! Getting married? I'm not ready for that. I'm still thinking about going on a mission. Just me. Got it?
If anyone reads that entire paragraph, go ahead and stop right here with this blog post, because it's a lotttt of random musings complaints issues that I'm having right this moment. Next blog post is going to (possibly) contain more detail, and will be on much happier subjects than this one. :)
Matt. Now there is my real quandry. I like him. A LOT. But he's a premie, a pre-missionary kid. I think he's wonderful, hot, and really hilarious. I wish I could feel right that he likes me. I don't get that feeling, the comfortable feeling of "yes, this is a sure thing, he likes me." It's like a Joel thing, where I feel like this entire thing is going to turn into another older brother presence in my life. I don't want that, I want a guy. I want to be over the mess with David, and I want a guy like Matt, who is so great about listening to issues, and so wonderful about being downright hilarious. He's the kind of guy who takes you out for ice cream just because, he's the kind of guy who makes anything a joke, except for the serious things that can't be funny, he's the kind of person who calls you to make sure you made it to the airport, and leaves funny voicemails even though the voicemail won't get to you until you are actually awake. He's dreamy, silly, and so wonderfully worth the trouble to go after him. I TOLD him I like him. Now I feel like I'm waiting on him to actually care. I think he's in a similar position as I am, being broken up over a previous relationship. Me, I'm scarred by David. I'm sure he'd be happy to know it. Matt seems kind of scarred by different cheating girlfriends. He doesn't deserve that. I miss him, a lot, even though our entire...friendship has mostly been through Facebook. He's really worth so much more than being cheated on. Yeah, anyhow, that's all I'm going to say about Matt right now. Next on my list is players, and I think I said something about that when I was talking about Jonathan, so now, I'm going to change my next BLEH to David.
David, David, David. How much I am frustrated at thee David. I loved this guy, more than anyone else in the world, at one point in my life. How the heck does it all go to such extremes? I loved him, now I can't understand a thing about him. I accepted him, and he lied to me. I don't think I posted the entire story about this, so I'm going to say everything about it now.
He told me that he was being deployed, to an undecided location. Classified, actually. Either way, he couldn't tell me. He said he was leaving December 18th, the day before I would be back in the area for Christmas break. I said I would miss him, a lot. Thanksgiving break, he started pushing me away, and I felt terrible. I made a huge deal about how much I loved him, and how I didn't know how to handle being just friends. We had been everything to each other, and now we were just friends, and I didn't know how to handle it. I am still not sure how everything was so extreme that week. In one of our conversations, at 1 in the morning, somehow we ended up with this hypothetical question-what if we got married? What if that was what I wanted? What if it was what he wanted? What if, what if, what if? He (at that point) had told me that he was being deployed the week after Thanksgiving break. I was very upset, of course, because I wouldn't be able to talk to him. In the hypothetical world of us getting married, however, that kind of thing was a little less of an issue, because we would be together. I didn't feel like getting married was the right option, because my Dad doesn't like David, and I didn't feel mature enough to get married. The week after Thanksgiving break, I made a huge deal about how much I didn't know what to say or think about the entire hypothetical question situation thing. I was really worried. David kept pushing me away. But at the same time, he made a huge deal about talking to me every day that week. It was a big deal, because in the two months previous to this, I had only talked to David on the weekends, because he was always busy working. I felt special but sad at the same time, with the way that things were going. There was a lot going on with school when this all happened, and I felt so terrible. David ended up "leaving" and calling me the next day "from a phone that everyone was waiting in line to use, for fifteen minute calls to special people". He claimed it was six in the morning there, and it was 9 or so at night where I was at. He told me basically that I needed to get over him. I cried, a lot. Hannah was there for me, and I was really happy to have her there, because I really needed her.
So, I cried, and Jonathan ended up walking by (this was all at Latin dancing night) and saw me crying. I told him I was fine, then I ended up seeing him earlier, he guessed I was crying over a guy, and said that I was beautiful, that I have a beautiful body, and that I have a beautiful smile (he really likes the word beautiful haha) and so I should look for someone better who will treat me better. Guess who started hitting on me right after that? You guessed it-Jonathan. Anyhow, I was all sad because David was leaving. Here is where things get really really complicated.
That weekend, I was by turns happy and depressed, happy because of random awesome things that were going on, and depressed because David was gone, and I didn't know how to handle it. The Tuesday after he called me and told me to get over him because "he could be dead within the next 24 hours" I was on Facebook, and I looked his name up, so I could see his page, and remember him happily. The name didn't show up, at all. I proceeded to log out of my Facebook, and I logged into his, to see if it was no longer active, because he was gone. Okay so log in....and it denies me access. I try the password I knew a couple times, then tried it again, then tried it with a character removed....then I got in. Kayy the password has been changed. Why? I don't know. Oh wait look maybe that's why! David is now in a relationship with Kelsay! He is also not deployed. He is posting crap on Facebook still! Wow, why didn't I realize that the boy I had loved before was a total jerk?? and a player?? Oh it gets better. I was blocked, on Facebook. You know, the thing you do to the people you hate? Me. Christmas break rolls around, and David calls me "again from a telephone box that everyone has to use". Yeah, I believe that crap. He denied that the entire relationship with Kelsay had happened, denied that he hadn't been deployed, denied that he had changed his password, denied that he blocked me, denied that he was a jerk in general. However, he DID apologize for everything else. The relationship with the skank, the two weeks we didn't talk, the last three months where he had only talked to me on the weekends, and the last phone call he had given me, where he had totally been a class A jerk. He wanted to ask me for forgiveness, he wanted to be friends. Translation? He was sorry for everything he had done when he had claimed he was deployed, he was sorry for going around my back, he was sorry that I found out. Things didn't work out between him and Kelsay and so he wanted me as a reserve girlfriend. Yes, thanks, no. He "came back" from being "deployed" and added me on Facebook again, and also messaged me. I am kind of a mess, over everything when it comes to David. What the heck.
Anyhow, that's the whole story, up to now. I don't blame myself for the fact that David has issues. I do feel bad for him. I don't love him. Now, I am supremely lonely and I kind of have David to blame, and all kinds of memories to replace. Yeah, a big fat mess. Me! Bleh. I love my life.
Anyhow, next on my list....me stressing out! I am seriously stressed, because my entire college experience last semester ended with me being reeeeeeeeeeally awfully bad grades. Yeah. Umm? It was not good. My dad lost his job, I have almost no money, and I am looking for work right now. I'm not doing the greatest, but not the worst either. It could all be a lot worse. Yeah. I guess. I'm just going to keep thinking that. It's been a mess, but I'm praying I get that job that I applied for.
I am totally needing to pray better. I'm working on praying as an apartment, and as myself. I hope it all works out! I am kind of worried about that. I don't know, lol.
I am worried about Ali and her issues, and Hannah and her issues, and well....me and my issues. That's me right now, a big mess of WORRY. Anyhow, yeah, me.....Love me.
I am still handling self esteem issues (which I try to hide, but lately I feel more and more like I should be fixing them.)
Right now, I am a mess in general, but I have faith I will get better. If you read this post, think my life is crap, wait til the next post! It will be much happier, I promise.
Matt
Jonathan
Players in general
Me stressing out
Okie dokie, now to start. Really this time. Jonathan. You, mister, confuse me to no end. I kind of hate you right now. I was so ready to give you a chance, to think about you as someone special. But somehow, I went from that to feeling like wow, he's a player, I'm wasting my time. I'm so tired of this mess. Have you ever been there? Dude. I am tired, and I mean extremely tired, of players. I'm done, players are a no-no. I'm not someone who is going to cure them of their player-ness, and I'm not someone who is worth being toyed around with. I don't like being pulled on strings like a puppet, I don't like all of that in general. So BACK OFF. Kay thanks. Jonathan...being sweet...is nice. I hate that. Weird, or what? I just can't stand him being nice and everything and then all of a sudden being a flirt with every other girl. If I'm special, I'm special, and that's all there is to it. If I'm not, don't toy with me. Don't invite yourself over to my apartment every other day, I know I'm fun, but don't seem interested in me if you really aren't. The other option scares me just as much. He's looking for a wife. He's 24 and he wants to get married. I'm not volunteering! Getting married? I'm not ready for that. I'm still thinking about going on a mission. Just me. Got it?
If anyone reads that entire paragraph, go ahead and stop right here with this blog post, because it's a lotttt of random musings complaints issues that I'm having right this moment. Next blog post is going to (possibly) contain more detail, and will be on much happier subjects than this one. :)
Matt. Now there is my real quandry. I like him. A LOT. But he's a premie, a pre-missionary kid. I think he's wonderful, hot, and really hilarious. I wish I could feel right that he likes me. I don't get that feeling, the comfortable feeling of "yes, this is a sure thing, he likes me." It's like a Joel thing, where I feel like this entire thing is going to turn into another older brother presence in my life. I don't want that, I want a guy. I want to be over the mess with David, and I want a guy like Matt, who is so great about listening to issues, and so wonderful about being downright hilarious. He's the kind of guy who takes you out for ice cream just because, he's the kind of guy who makes anything a joke, except for the serious things that can't be funny, he's the kind of person who calls you to make sure you made it to the airport, and leaves funny voicemails even though the voicemail won't get to you until you are actually awake. He's dreamy, silly, and so wonderfully worth the trouble to go after him. I TOLD him I like him. Now I feel like I'm waiting on him to actually care. I think he's in a similar position as I am, being broken up over a previous relationship. Me, I'm scarred by David. I'm sure he'd be happy to know it. Matt seems kind of scarred by different cheating girlfriends. He doesn't deserve that. I miss him, a lot, even though our entire...friendship has mostly been through Facebook. He's really worth so much more than being cheated on. Yeah, anyhow, that's all I'm going to say about Matt right now. Next on my list is players, and I think I said something about that when I was talking about Jonathan, so now, I'm going to change my next BLEH to David.
David, David, David. How much I am frustrated at thee David. I loved this guy, more than anyone else in the world, at one point in my life. How the heck does it all go to such extremes? I loved him, now I can't understand a thing about him. I accepted him, and he lied to me. I don't think I posted the entire story about this, so I'm going to say everything about it now.
He told me that he was being deployed, to an undecided location. Classified, actually. Either way, he couldn't tell me. He said he was leaving December 18th, the day before I would be back in the area for Christmas break. I said I would miss him, a lot. Thanksgiving break, he started pushing me away, and I felt terrible. I made a huge deal about how much I loved him, and how I didn't know how to handle being just friends. We had been everything to each other, and now we were just friends, and I didn't know how to handle it. I am still not sure how everything was so extreme that week. In one of our conversations, at 1 in the morning, somehow we ended up with this hypothetical question-what if we got married? What if that was what I wanted? What if it was what he wanted? What if, what if, what if? He (at that point) had told me that he was being deployed the week after Thanksgiving break. I was very upset, of course, because I wouldn't be able to talk to him. In the hypothetical world of us getting married, however, that kind of thing was a little less of an issue, because we would be together. I didn't feel like getting married was the right option, because my Dad doesn't like David, and I didn't feel mature enough to get married. The week after Thanksgiving break, I made a huge deal about how much I didn't know what to say or think about the entire hypothetical question situation thing. I was really worried. David kept pushing me away. But at the same time, he made a huge deal about talking to me every day that week. It was a big deal, because in the two months previous to this, I had only talked to David on the weekends, because he was always busy working. I felt special but sad at the same time, with the way that things were going. There was a lot going on with school when this all happened, and I felt so terrible. David ended up "leaving" and calling me the next day "from a phone that everyone was waiting in line to use, for fifteen minute calls to special people". He claimed it was six in the morning there, and it was 9 or so at night where I was at. He told me basically that I needed to get over him. I cried, a lot. Hannah was there for me, and I was really happy to have her there, because I really needed her.
So, I cried, and Jonathan ended up walking by (this was all at Latin dancing night) and saw me crying. I told him I was fine, then I ended up seeing him earlier, he guessed I was crying over a guy, and said that I was beautiful, that I have a beautiful body, and that I have a beautiful smile (he really likes the word beautiful haha) and so I should look for someone better who will treat me better. Guess who started hitting on me right after that? You guessed it-Jonathan. Anyhow, I was all sad because David was leaving. Here is where things get really really complicated.
That weekend, I was by turns happy and depressed, happy because of random awesome things that were going on, and depressed because David was gone, and I didn't know how to handle it. The Tuesday after he called me and told me to get over him because "he could be dead within the next 24 hours" I was on Facebook, and I looked his name up, so I could see his page, and remember him happily. The name didn't show up, at all. I proceeded to log out of my Facebook, and I logged into his, to see if it was no longer active, because he was gone. Okay so log in....and it denies me access. I try the password I knew a couple times, then tried it again, then tried it with a character removed....then I got in. Kayy the password has been changed. Why? I don't know. Oh wait look maybe that's why! David is now in a relationship with Kelsay! He is also not deployed. He is posting crap on Facebook still! Wow, why didn't I realize that the boy I had loved before was a total jerk?? and a player?? Oh it gets better. I was blocked, on Facebook. You know, the thing you do to the people you hate? Me. Christmas break rolls around, and David calls me "again from a telephone box that everyone has to use". Yeah, I believe that crap. He denied that the entire relationship with Kelsay had happened, denied that he hadn't been deployed, denied that he had changed his password, denied that he blocked me, denied that he was a jerk in general. However, he DID apologize for everything else. The relationship with the skank, the two weeks we didn't talk, the last three months where he had only talked to me on the weekends, and the last phone call he had given me, where he had totally been a class A jerk. He wanted to ask me for forgiveness, he wanted to be friends. Translation? He was sorry for everything he had done when he had claimed he was deployed, he was sorry for going around my back, he was sorry that I found out. Things didn't work out between him and Kelsay and so he wanted me as a reserve girlfriend. Yes, thanks, no. He "came back" from being "deployed" and added me on Facebook again, and also messaged me. I am kind of a mess, over everything when it comes to David. What the heck.
Anyhow, that's the whole story, up to now. I don't blame myself for the fact that David has issues. I do feel bad for him. I don't love him. Now, I am supremely lonely and I kind of have David to blame, and all kinds of memories to replace. Yeah, a big fat mess. Me! Bleh. I love my life.
Anyhow, next on my list....me stressing out! I am seriously stressed, because my entire college experience last semester ended with me being reeeeeeeeeeally awfully bad grades. Yeah. Umm? It was not good. My dad lost his job, I have almost no money, and I am looking for work right now. I'm not doing the greatest, but not the worst either. It could all be a lot worse. Yeah. I guess. I'm just going to keep thinking that. It's been a mess, but I'm praying I get that job that I applied for.
I am totally needing to pray better. I'm working on praying as an apartment, and as myself. I hope it all works out! I am kind of worried about that. I don't know, lol.
I am worried about Ali and her issues, and Hannah and her issues, and well....me and my issues. That's me right now, a big mess of WORRY. Anyhow, yeah, me.....Love me.
I am still handling self esteem issues (which I try to hide, but lately I feel more and more like I should be fixing them.)
Right now, I am a mess in general, but I have faith I will get better. If you read this post, think my life is crap, wait til the next post! It will be much happier, I promise.
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